Script:
TUTOR: Right, Sandra. You wanted to see me to get some feedback on your group’s proposal. The one you’re submitting for the Geography Society field trip competition. I’ve had a look through your proposal and I think it’s a really good choice. In fact, I only have a few things to say about it, but even in an outline document like this you really have to be careful to avoid typos and problems with layout in the proposal, and even in the contents page. So read it through carefully before submitting it, okay?
SANDRA: Will do.
TUTOR: And I’ve made a few notes on the proposal about things which could have been better sequenced.
SANDRA: Okay.
TUTOR: As for the writing itself, I’ve annotated the proposal as and where I thought it could be improved. Generally speaking, I feel you’ve often used complex structures and long sentences for the sake of it and as a consequence ... although your paragraphing and inclusion of sub-headings help ... it’s quite hard to follow your train of thought at times. So cut them down a bit, can you?
SANDRA: Really?
TUTOR: Yes. And don’t forget simple formatting like numbering.
SANDRA: Didn’t I use page numbers?
TUTOR: I didn’t mean that. Look, you’ve remembered to include headers and footers, which is good, but listing ideas clearly is important. Number them or use bullet points, which is even clearer. Then you’ll focus the reader on your main points. I thought your suggestion to go to the Navajo Tribal Park was a very good idea.
SANDRA: I’ve always wanted to go there. My father was a great fan of cowboy films and the Wild West so I was subjected to seeing all the epics, many of which were shot there. As a consequence, it feels very familiar to me and it’s awesome both geographically and visually, so it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to visit. The subsequent research I did and the online photographs made me even keener.
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